Stretching into who I'm meant to be

So about a week and a half ago my pastor, Gary, phoned me and asked if I'd be interested in preaching the following Sunday.  I wanted to say 'yes' right away but was also a little overwhelmed at the thought.  I asked if I could call back and after some thinking and praying, decided that my initial answer was a good one. 

My preaching experience is quite small.  I preached for the first time in Haiti and only had prepared a very short word.  It was a time of great grace for me and a time where God was showing me how much he loved and accepted me so even though it was a bit of a shaky first preach, I felt at peace and good about it. 

Then Mike and I shared a bit of our story about a month ago in church.  I began to get nervous when I saw all the people pouring into the church, but kept reminding myself that this was just a story.  I can tell my story.  Surprisingly when I got up to speak, I felt very 'at home.'  I wasn't nervous, I had no problem sharing the testimony of what God had done for us and through us when I got pregnant with the twins and Mike was diagnosed with cancer.  Of course, sharing a story and preaching are two different things...

And so I knew this would be a challenge.  But at the same time I felt like it was the next step.  I have taught in lots of small group settings before.  I love to share with young moms and with other women but prior to the two experiences I shared, I just didn't have any experience.  It was such thrill and an encouragement to know that my pastor could see the potential in me and was willing to give me the opportunity to 'try' on his congregation when he was away.  Wow!  And so goes the next week and a half.

I decided on Friday (the whole week before) that I was going to preach on the Discipline of Prayer and the Practical Applications of it.  Sunday confirmed my feelings when Gary spoke on warfare and the power of the word.  And on Monday at my ladies group, there was more confirmation.  But as the days went on and I began to study more and more, I went down a few rabbit trails.  I wrote so much and, all of a sudden, wasn't sure what God wanted to speak through me.  What direction should I go?  What area of my prayer life should I share about??  There is so much I could talk about and I needed to focus it back in. 

My parents took the kids a couple of hours here and a couple more there and then again, and again, to try and give me some undistracted time to study and pray and get it together.  By Saturday I was falling apart at the seams.  I was so confused and Mike was gone away on a Men's Retreat.  I called in re-inforcements and asked a friend to come and help me make some sense of all my information. 

As soon as I started sharing the points that I had initially prepared, she was like, 'Yep, that's it!'  I felt as though I could have preached that preach without it written down so I realized again, that that was the area I needed to speak on. 

I did a lot of praying, studying, reading the bible, and praying some more this past week and a half and the experience was so stretching.  I am so thankful for the opportunity to grow and stretch and learn.  I know that my husband always talks about how long the preaches to take to prepare but I got a first-hand experience on the reality of it!  It was actually fun - other than Saturday! - after my little break-down and when I finally 'saw the light', the Saturday turned out alright!  I knew that that was part of the process; something that I just had to go through in order to re-affirm that this is about Jesus and about what he wants to say. 

Anyhow, Sunday morning came and thanks (again) to my gracious parents, I had an empty house to get ready in.  I had peace all morning and went through my sermon before heading early to the church.  I felt excited and any nervousness, I just let go of and decided to see it as joy and excitement instead. 

The actually morning went smoothly.  It was a beautiful day!  Again, when I got up to preach, I felt 'at home' and comfortable.  I feel so thankful for where God has taken me.  I don't think I would have every dreamed of being able to preach in a church setting but there I was. 

Last year at this time I really don't think I could have done it and if I had I would have had major anxiety and worry about whether people would accept me, the word, etc.  But God has healed me so much in that area, I am amazed at the freedom I had.  I know that I am still a work in progress but, really, what a good God I have. 

I will put the link up when the sermon goes online for any of you who are far away (or close by) who would like to listen.